Daily Archives: September 2, 2011

Why Superman left Metropolis

This is rumored to have been close to publishing at the Chicago Tribune by I.M Fletch –

Ever wonder what happened to Superman? The alien kid from the Heartland who defended the world from evil, but called Metropolis (Chicago) home? Recent documents are now coming forward to what actually has happened to the Man of Steel. As it turns out, he is not dead, just over-regulated.

Oddly enough, his departure from the Windy City has not been as far back as you would think. It began back in 1998 when Former Illinois Governor and current Club Fed attendee George Ryan signed the tax law called Illinois FIRST (Fund for Infrastructure, Roads, Schools, and Transit). Apparently, Super had a habit a messing up a few roads once in a while. Even though the Man of Steel worked for free (Super swung a few endorsement contracts for lettuce), Metropolis saw fit to tax his butt off. It was far easier to blame Super for a few issues than those pesky unqualified truck drivers bribing officials that Ryan ended up going to the pokey for. So for the first time in his career, Super had to carry Property Liability Insurance to cover “potential negligence from hero activities”. Word is it ate heavy into his revenues from Nike and cost him 2 sponsors.

A couple of years later, the same Governor Ryan declared a moratorium on capital punishment. The state had a revolving door in the prison system and was costing too much money. Sources now reveal that state officials put heavy pressure on Super to ease up on the incarcerations, as they were running out of dough. Now this was hard for Clark (Superman’s mild-mannered alter ego) to take as he was dedicated to truth, justice, and the American Way. That just did not include letting criminal elements go walking in the night. However, before he could decide a new method on crime fighting, the Illinois Chapter of the ACLU hit Super with a Discrimination Suit claiming he was racially profiling the “criminals” he was fighting. Now, Super had to hire an attorney and take out Errors & Omissions insurance. It was too much for Nike and they cancelled their endorsement contract as well. Ouch!

When Rod “Blago” Blagojevich took over in 2002, he worked a deal with Illinois State Senator Barack Obama and US House Rep Rahm Emanuel to have the FAA and Illinois Transit Authority to simultaneously hit the Man of Steel with an “Air Space Flight Tax” that is rumored to have been heavy-handed. Obama also organized Chicago minorities against Superman, claiming he was “…too white..” to understand the needs of the inner city challenges that were leading to lives of crime. Obama placed a bill before the Illinois State Assembly, that Blago swore he would sign, that would require Superman to comply with a whole slew of regulations in his approach to fighting crime aimed at protecting minorities from unjust persecution. Obama also called for a “…better, blacker, hero…” that those young darlings could look up too. Little did we know at the time that he was referring to himself, but that is another story.

Dejected, over-taxed, over-insured, and now without income our Man of Steel decided to stop in for some spirits at a local pub. When he entered the lounge for libations, he was greeted by the local union thugs that explained this was for the Local AFL-CIO and to get his scabby butt out! It was too much for Super to endure and he pummelled the union dweeb into a mud hole. The Chicago PD arrived in seconds and arrested Super for assault and battery. While this is unconfirmed, it is rumored that Superman cut a deal with the DA’s office on the basis that he pack and leave the state of Illinois and never return.

After a short stint with the Justice League, our hero is rumored to have retired upon the swearing-in of Barack Obama as President. He claimed “That skinny runt ruined my gig there in Metropolis and I’ll be darned if I am going to hang around to watch what he does to the whole country. Call me when you vote this really bad man out.” Superman does not prescribe to profanity. No one is quite sure where he resides today, but we do know the GOP is actively seeking him for a run at any political office.

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